when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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