dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
