I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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