The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
