He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
