I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
