I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
