My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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