I can feel you judging me through the phone.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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