Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
