You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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