can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
