girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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