i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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