rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
