In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
