At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize