Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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