Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
