This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Randomize
