Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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