so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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