i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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