I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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