based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
