An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
