My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
