Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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