Umm I'm too high to move.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
