Just took my morning after pill in the library
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
