don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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