My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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