Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
