I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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