my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
