i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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