Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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