Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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