He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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