if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
