I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
