hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
