I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
