I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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