I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
