he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
