I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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