I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize