I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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