Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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