i barfeds in our rink
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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