NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
