If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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