I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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