He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you never un-have a 4some
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
