There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize