The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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